I didn’t kick Blake out. No matter what the problems are, no matter who is in the wrong or right, there is no reason things shouldn’t be talked out like adults. So, when I came home from work, I sat down with Kristen and Blake together and told each of them how important they were to me.
“Kristen, I love you. We’ve only been together three months, and when I look at you, I know we will be together for a long time. You’ve had a tough life sometimes, and I know this can skew your perspective. [She tried to intercede and argue, but I interrupted her]. You will get your time to talk, but listen to me right now. I know this stuff because I’ve been through tough times too. It’s easier to be passive aggressive and it’s easier to believe everyone is out to get you. But I’m not going anywhere, I’m here to protect you, not hurt you. No matter what Blake told you or what she says to you in the future, you have to trust that my word is the truth. And I am telling you now, Blake and I are not romantically involved nor were we in the past. Whatever feelings Blake has or does not have for me, do not directly affect our relationship unless you let them.”
I gave her a moment to gather her thoughts, and asked her if she wanted to say anything. She shook her head no and squeezed my hand. Her frown was trembling.
“Now, saying that, you have to know, Blake is one of the best friends I have ever had in my life. When I’ve been in trouble, she never failed me. She was always here for me, no matter what my problem was. I knew that as long as she was my friend, I would not be alone. As a person who has experienced the pain of complete solitude, you have to understand what kind of bond this forged between us.” I turned my attention to Blake and saw she was teary-eyed. This sweet girl cries a bit easily.
“Blake, as much as I love you, you know your own personality can be your own worst enemy. (We both laughed a little). Like you said, sometimes you are competitive and rash and you don’t mean the things you say. Especially with some alcohol in you. You and I are family, we have been through more together than I could write in a book. And believe me when I say I would do anything for you. I don’t know what your feelings are for me- I don’t want to belittle your feelings if you truly have them- but I believe you just said those things last night without thinking. I don’t think you feel romantically about me in any way. You’re just you, and it’s what you said. However, no matter what the case is, Kristen is the best thing to happen to me. I’m in love with her. This does not make our relationship less special, it just means that I have a different sort of relationship with another person who requires my time and attention as well. You should be happy for me. You should want to get to know her, to love her.”
Blake smiled. “I feel like a child getting reprimanded.”
Kristen looked at her and said, “Me too. And, honestly, I feel stupid as fuck now.”
We all laughed, and I felt much better about the situation. They were talking like regular people now, and Kristen was touching me and looking at me. She even came to sleep in my bed tonight, and is curled up beside me at me right now.
The reason I decided to write this post tonight was because I thought this shit was over. I thought I took the high road and did the right thing, and now it is still coming to bite me in the ass. When I went to brush my teeth, I saw a note that was slipped under my door.
I wasn’t lying about loving you. When we kissed, I thought I would ask you to be my girlfriend, but I was afraid. I am glad I didn’t ask that night because you wouldn’t have remembered it and I would have made more of a fool of myself than I already have. Besides, I don’t know anything about dating girls, you are probably the first lesbian person I ever met who was so comfortable with their sexuality and I thought you might laugh at me if I asked. Actually, I know you would never do that, but I was still afraid.
I thought you should know the boyfriend in India is something I made up. I thought it would cover for the fact that I was devastated when I heard you were dating someone- a girl nonetheless. I always thought if I lost out to someone, it would be a man.
It has taken me a lot of courage to write this letter. In fact, one of the reasons I came home was to ask how you felt about me. I know it’s not the best timing…but our kiss wasn’t so long ago. Right before I left for India. Maybe a month before. Anyway, I thought you were in love with me too. I had this fantasy of us as the two bad bitches in Manhattan, becoming important, making money, travelling, living some sort of dream life. Now, I realize I’m just a bimbo with a trust fund and looks that will fade and no one will ever love me because they won’t know me. Besides Anna [Blake’s sister] you are the only one who can actually understand me. You know my personality and how it can make people turn away from me and you are the only person who has ever seen past my looks. I know I use them as a weapon sometimes and I’m not proud of it. Sometimes I think it is the only good part about myself and so I use them to hurt others. But you know me better than that.
Please don’t tell Kristen any of this. I promise I am not writing to hurt her. This letter has taken an hour to write, and I still feel like I haven’t said anything that I want to. I will leave tomorrow if you want me to. But don’t hate me, ok? I can’t help it.
[The letter above is true to her wording, except where I fixed some spelling errors and put sentences together to make them understandable.]
Well, what the fuck now? I’m angry, not at her, but just at….shit. Here I am with the woman of my dreams and I thought everything was going amazingly. But now I have to either a) show her this letter and just deal with her reaction or b) keep it from her and feel as if I’m deceiving her for the rest of our relationship.
I can’t lose either one of these girls. Blake isn’t just a friend…the things she’s done for me…she basically saved me from being homeless, she was with me when I was tracking down my brother, she was with me when my cousin died, she has been supportive ever since she’s known me. She is such a good person, so beautiful at heart, I can’t just pretend none of these things happened. And obviously, Kristen…I have to tell her, show her the letter and try to make things right….again. FUCK. Sorry, I am just super frustrated right now. And the worst part is that it’s no one’s fault but mine.